you make sense of who I am
by ameliamoriarty
Summary: What happened between Naomi kicking Emily out and the famed speech! rt of a series. :P DISCLAIMER: skins is not mine.
1. Do I ever get to be anyone but me?

**A/N: I hope I'm doing this right, cause I'll be embarrassed if it doesn't upload. It's my first story, so please give me some feedback. Should I continue? This one goes out to the gods and goddesses of Naomily *cough* HyperFitched*cough* Thank you so much for reading!  
><strong>

* * *

><p>Sometime in the daze that surrounded my spliffed up mind, Emily left. Her clothes were gone, her pictures that had framed my walls, taken down. The last reminder of her going was more of a blow than I had expected. I had prepped myself for this, seen her shrink away from me in her transformation into Katie. But it didn't seem to have helped at all, the slow burn settling into my chest, where it had remained comfortably for the last couple days.<p>

I sat there for an hour, smoking cigarettes and looking out the window. It didn't help. When mum called, I snapped out of it. She sort of reminded me that I needed to move on, go back to the way things were before Emily became a part of my life. But not right now. _This _was the middle, where I was adjusting to the darkness without my love. I knew it would be easy to go back to the bitter sarcastic bitch. Emily had rubbed off my outer layer, and the cold she had been shielding me from would soon hit my face. With all the pain, I would resort back to my coping mechanism. But I felt wrong. Like I couldn't be _me_ without her. Like she completed who I was, and complemented me perfectly.

She knocked down all my defenses and it was unbearable to even think of her. But all I could think of _was_ her. So I stopped thinking. I worked slowly, methodically, cleaning up all the reminders of the last few months. I worked fast. My time was short. After this came the hurricane where my feelings kicked in and left me screaming on the inside.

I left my room for last because it was the hardest part. I didn't think I could ever clean her all the way out of it, no matter how hard I tried, and the thought was as comforting as it was agonizing. The room smelled like a weird fusion of the both of us, as if it had never stopped being _ours_ when Sophia tore us apart. I remembered how I very happily embraced this when we began dating, not that I ever admitted it to anyone. I tried to sniff out the Emily, the smell of lavender shampoo and roses from her garden. It smelled so amazing mixed in with my vanilla-and-cigarettes scent.

We were right. Together. I needed HER. We belonged together. I was angry. How dare she give up on me. Couldn't she see how much I loved her? Didn't she realize how much she meant to me? I needed my best friend to take away the pain of losing my soulmate. But they were both the same person.

I felt like going downstairs and eating something, but the thought of the eggs I cooked for _her, _the girl who put her hands on _my_ Emily, put me off.

I slowly stripped naked, savoring the chill it caused against my skin. I picked up an old shirt, one she liked to sleep in. It smelled like her. I tucked it close to me and curled up, lost in a reverie.

I would give up anything to be with her. I could risk it. I needed to give it a shot.

I lay there for a while, unmoving, even though my muscles were screaming. I don't know how long I was there. A solitary tear slipped down my cheek.

The buzz of my phone brought me back to Earth. I felt like ignoring it. But some irrational part of me hoped that it was her. _Hi Naoms. I made a huge mistake by leaving you. I love you and I forgive you._ I scoffed at my own foolish behavior and piched up my phone. The text was from Effy. It was short and to the point.

_Freddie's shed. Birthday party._

I resisted the urge to pick it up and throw it across the room. As I closed the text, I read the list of names she sent it to. One name caught my eye._ Emily._

This was my girl. I would do anything for her. I was going taking a chance, and I hoped I could get her back. Because if I couldn't…Well…


	2. all alone, smoking his last cigarette

**Thank you so much to the five reviewers that dragged me away from my TV screen and convinced me to write another chapter!**

**In other news, the rating on this will soon be upped to M(Naomily without smut?), and if I don't update next week, it's because I have posted another fic that I'm working on.**

**Peace!- Ames**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Skins. **

* * *

><p>At first, I wanted to physically hurt Naomi. Of course she was scared. She was always scared. I hated her for it.<p>

I thought that when we got together, she would let me in. I thought she would go to the ends of the Earth for me.

I don't know when Mandy became real. When she started to have actual feelings for me. I didn't know how much time it had been. I had started out trying to harness and control the power I had over Naomi, and use it against her, but I guess I still was Katie's submissive sister at the end of all things and that fucking terrified me.

I so desperately wanted to fix this. To run into Naomi's arms and kiss her passionately, and just _feel_ her. All of her.

But more than that, I knew how much passion she had. Couldn't she spare a fraction of it for me? I needed to see her anger, her jealousy, her _lust_. But she was just robotic. She was going through the motions and it fucking killed me because I needed her to not be supportive. I needed her to beg for me. I needed to push her away when she tried to gather me in her arms. I needed her to make me crumble.

Ever since that fateful morning on the rooftop, she's been completely bottled up. And I know how she feels. I see the shadows under her eyes. She hasn't been eating anything. I feel her eyes bore a hole into my back from across the room when she thinks I'm asleep. I see the red rims of her eyes when I push too far.

And she's finally pushed me back.

I wanted her to snap. But this cold resignation was even worse. It made me feel like an executioner.

I tried to convince myself I only picked Mandy because I knew I wouldn't fall in love with her. That was a lie. Naomi totally owned me. She always had. I couldn't look at anyone else with her around me.

_Then why could she?_

She could make me do anything at her beck and call and it _wasn't fucking fair._

It had been months, and I had yet to hear a sullen, "no" from her lips. To see that trademark hint of a smile that was visibly pushed back into place. My _brave, strong_ Naomi. I was so much in love with her, but the girl I had been living with just wasn't...her.

I hated that she couldn't be strong for me, but I hated myself so much more for wanting to wrap my arms around her and protect her from what was hurting her.

From _me_.

A lot had happened while I was in my revenge-tinted bubble. When Katie came to get my from my…Naomi's house, she looked distracted. I pushed and she revealed that she had been sending a lot of time with Effy. _Effy_. _Effy_ _fucking Stonem_. The one that hit my twin sister over the head with a rock. And now they were best friends? Was Katie holding the group together? She was holding our family together. _My_ family. And I had been off in my own fucking world while hers was falling apart.

Regret.

It owned me.

Katie sent me a video of her, Effy, and Pandora playing ridiculous instruments. For the first time in years, I saw the tenderness in her eyes, a familiar sweet smile covering her face. _My_ smile, covered with a hint of sadness, and longing.

Wait…_longing_?

How much_ had_ I missed?

I pushed my girlfriend too far.

I slept with JJ.

Freddie had gone AWOL.

God knows where Cook was.

My sister was with Effy.

Effy was mental.

Pandora had a twisted view of the world.

And Thomas, the sweet French-speaking boy, had been hardened- not by poverty, but by living in fucking Bristol.

And I? I had fucking no one. And it was my own fucking fault. For letting Naomi _own_ me.

But I still couldn't hate her because _she_ hadn't turned me into this. _I_ had.

Regret.

I had to get out of here.

I was just sitting on my bed with my laptop open in front of me, about to make reservations for a flight, any flight out of here, when my phone beeped.

_Birthday party. Freddie's shed._

Since when had Effy known my number?

Katie just walked in. She seemed to be lost in thought. Like she was in her own world.

This party thing will be my last act in Bristol. My last time seeing Naomi.

What was left of my heart sank at the very thought.

But I pushed it away. This party shit could wait. The Fitch twins needed to have a fucking chat first.


	3. the crescendo of demise

**A/N: I'm not very happy with this, but I've stalled enough, and it was the best I could do. It will get better, I promise. I've already written the next two chapters. I was just really nervous about this because I rarely find season 4 fics from Emily's point of view. Thanks for reading!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own skins.**

**So...this jumps right into the speech... **

* * *

><p>"<strong>I will."<strong>

My ears instantly perked up, and I just had enough time to remind myself I hated this girl before I turned around. I found myself getting angry when I saw her face, though. She looked broken. How dare she! She was the one that had cut me up into little pieces. She gave up on me! _This is what you wanted Emily. _A voice whispered in my head. I mentally recoiled from the idea. Was I even capable of being so horrible? I didn't feel satisfied, I felt sick.

**"I loved you from the first time I saw you,"**

My anger shifted to confusion. _What?_

**"I think I was 12."**

I widened my eyes, catching on. She was going to do this here? In front of our friends? That's when I realized. She was _being brave._

**"It took me three years to pluck up the courage to speak to you.**

Holy shit. I remembered that day. We actually met on the first day of school. Katie was off, sucking up to the older girls. We would have been friends. Then came the second day of school. Naomi walked into class half an hour late, hair dyed totally blonde (she had natural highlights) for the first time, and paused at the doorstep. I saw her take a deep breath, and she walked over and sat down next to me. She turned to me and smiled softly.

"Hi!" she blushed adorably. "Could I, erm, uuh, borrow a pen by any chance?" I smiled. Mum had given me four, just so I could be prepared. I took out my favorite one, and reached out my arm before Katie snatched it out of my grip. "Don't give her anything." She sneered. "Look at her hair! Trying to look like a supermodel!" she smirked.

Naomi's smile disappeared. "No talking!" the teacher snapped. "You!" she pointed at Katie. "Away from the other one!" Katie sauntered off, trying to swing her hips. I rolled my eyes at Katie's behavior then saw Naomi's expression. Her eyes had shifted downward at that point and she looked pale. I quickly reached for another one.

"Thanks." She muttered. "But I found mine anyway." She pulled one out of her bag, and ignored me for the rest of the day. I remembered how much it had confused me. Katie was like that to everyone.

…**and I was so scared of the way I felt, you know? Loving a girl."**

Was that what she meant?

**"That I learned to become a sarcastic bitch to make it feel normal."**

_No, Naomi. _I wanted to whisper. _You're the most amazing girl I've ever met._

**"I screwed guys to make it go away, but it didn't work."**

I was shocked. I remembered my first time with a guy. It was terrible. My heart contracted painfully.

**"When we got together it scared the shit out of me, because you were the one person that could ruin my life."**

The walls I had built up to block her out broke down and suddenly my head was flooded with her. The ache in my heart I got when I was away from her resumed, and suddenly I wanted to burrow my head in her neck and smell her scent, and feel her warmth.

**"I pushed you away and made you think that things were your fault but really I was just terrified of pain." **

It's okay Naomi. We both were. You went through hell because of me. _Twice._

**"I screwed that girl Sophia, to kind of spite you for having that hold on me, and I'm a total fucking coward because...I got these…" She reached into her bag…**

No. Not again. You didn't...Don't you dare make me fall more fucking in love with you. I can't forget everything that happened this easily. But I can't resist you.

"**...these tickets to Goa for us three months ago, but I, I couldn't stand…"**

Tears started to leak from the corners of her eyes, and I could barely suppress my own. I had pushed her to this. I had made her cry. But she was finally fighting. I still felt like I wanted to puke, because, judging by her face, she came here thinking she wasn't going to win. _I couldn't blame her._

"**I didn't want to be a slave to the way I feel about you. Can you understand?"**

_Of course_, I mentally screamed. _That's how I've felt this entire time!_

**"You were trying to punish me back and it's horrible." **

I could see into her through her eyes. _I know you Naomi. I know you're sad. I know you still want me even though I've been a total fucking cow._

"**It's so horrible, because, really I'd die for you."**

She didn't need to say it. I could see it in her eyes.

I knew, right there, I could walk away and break her into little pieces, pieces so little she would never recover.

"**I love you."**

_I know. I know._

"**I love you so much it's killing me!"**

I looked at Katie, once. This _is why I love her. Can't you see!_ She looked back at Naomi, and nodded once.

And then…I ran into the comfort of my girlfriend's arms.


End file.
